I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
