U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
