I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
