Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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