I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Also, beer. Big fan.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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