you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
