The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
3pm strippers are depressing
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize
