you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
