i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
