drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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