Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
