our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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