Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
