The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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