it wasn't lemon gatorade
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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