a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
