May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
