You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
