I think I won the penis lottery.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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