Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
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I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
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You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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