Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
