I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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