Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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