Please don't use social media to get back at me.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
