ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
