let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
