you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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