Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
