Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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