apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
