why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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