he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
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