We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
