ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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