so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
