Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
