I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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