Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
