Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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