I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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