Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
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You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
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When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
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