I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
