I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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