what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Semen is not good for contacts.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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