I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
