just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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