I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
