How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
