The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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