My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Come on in and take your pants off
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