he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
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