I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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