Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
