forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i love accidental penises.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
