i just wanna soil my oats bro
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
