So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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